Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The steep and painful learning curve

Do you ever have those moments when you reflect on your life and then find yourself in surprise at where you have ended up? I do. I evaluate my life constantly. I am in constant search for the meaning of life, the greater picture and of course, inspiration.

My life has taken a lot of really interesting and oftentimes surprising turns. Especially of late.
About two weeks ago now, I fainted in my Sociology class. No clear cut explanation.

Now before I continue this story, let me first say that this is not the first time I have fainted and it most likely will not be the last. The first time I ever fainted was in the second grade upon hearing my teacher's very descriptive and long winded story of how blood transfusions work. Two years ago, after a series of many humiliating events, I found out that I have what is called Vasovagal Syncopy as well as asthma (random, right?). Long story short, my body shuts down when my mind can't handle mental/visual stimuli. It literally shuts down. My blood pressure drops and my asthma prevents me from getting enough oxygen into my my body in order to remain conscious. Vasovagal syncopy really is quite common, its what happens when people faint at the sight of blood or births, that sort of thing.

Ok, so back to the original story. I was sitting in my Sociology class, reading an article when I started to feel really lightheaded. I put my head down on my desk one moment and found myself on the ground the next moment. No recollection of what happened between those times. It wasn't the cute kind of passing out. No. This was clearly the make-a-fool-of-myself-and-end-up-with-bruises-everywhere type of blacking out. I regained consciousness to the sound of desks moving and classmates freaking out, a sore tongue and an achy right knee. Oh and I also pulled down my schoolwork in the process and landed on top of it. How exactly did that happen? I have no idea. The next day, I was able to catalog a series of bruises all over my body. Ehh, nothing was as painful as my bruised ego.

This sudden event really freaked me out in a very intense way because it was so different from my other experiences. Usually the weakness goes away immediately, but this time it didn't. Taking iron supplements is helping the issue, but only slightly. I still have a few more appointments to go through with and I have to admit, I have this ominous fear that there is something much bigger at play. It seems like everything that can go wrong in my life and those surrounding me, has. It has been so overwhelming at times that I find myself crying uncontrollably and feeling so alone. I believe it all has connections and ties to the fact that I was accepted to Switzerland and that it will prepare me for what will happen there.  I have had to make really drastic changes in my life due to the unpredictability of my recent symptoms. Hey, I'm not complaining. I know people who have it much worse and who are a lot less whiny. I just had to write it out so that I can really process it all.

The thing about being sick, scared, and completely overwhelmed by life is that you find out who your real friends are. I knew that most of them were really shallow, but when I needed the support I found out who really cared and who didn't. It's been painful and it's been revealing. I'm not surprised, but I am still finding myself disappointed and a tad disgusted. On the positive side, there have been people who have stood by me that I really didn't expect to support me. Deeper relationships have been formed on that level.

This whole experience is what I have deemed, "the steep and painful learning curve". Despite everything, I know that I am in the right place at the right time. I am on the right path.